Of course, I forgive myself… or do I?

Do we as Christians actually forgive ourselves? This is the thought Holy Spirit brought to my attention today while I was getting ready for bed. But first, let me start from where this stems from…

I know you all have heard of the saying “Blue Monday.” Well, today definitely felt like one of those. It was the most Mondayest Monday ever. I woke up feeling extra tired and cranky and I was already feeling the irritation and dread of what was going to lie ahead of me at work. Once there, we were extremely busy at my job. As soon as I would end a call, there would be another one waiting for me to set an appointment or a complaint about needing to be removed from our mailing list. Needless to say, I was in a bad mood, and I was feeling myself becoming more frustrated and ready to be done for the day. On top of that, my mouth was getting me in trouble as well because I had complained to my coworkers about how the day was going and that is never a good idea. I had come into agreement with my emotions and allowed them to rule instead of being led by Holy Spirit. Anyways, I had ended the day feeling bad about myself and guilty, realizing I had made quite a few mistakes. I was asking God to forgive me for my bad reactions and behavior, but when I was asking Him about this, He reminded me of something Pastor Cindy had told me the night before and it made me think. She was talking to me about a few things but one thing she said was “I think you are too hard on yourself. It took me years to get where I am today, so you have to give yourself grace and forgive yourself.” Then Holy Spirit asked me the question “Do you really forgive yourself or do you just think you did? Do you live by this principle and command in My Word, or do you just put a band aid over it and say, “Yeah, of course I did that.”

It is one thing to say these things and know them because we’ve heard them mentioned so often in the church. But do we really apply them to our lives and walk this out? Most of the time our focus is more on forgiving others than forgiving ourselves because that is what gets talked about more frequently. Don’t get me wrong, forgiving others is super important!

Matthew 6:13AMP states that “If we do not forgive others [nurturing your hurt and anger with the result that it interferes with your relationship with God], then your Father will not forgive your trespasses.”

But if we can’t forgive ourselves than how are we supposed to forgive someone else? Our relationship with our Heavenly Father must be in right standing first before we can ever get things right with our brothers and sisters. You can’t give forgiveness if you can’t receive it from God for yourself. He is the giver of forgiveness, and we need revelation of it to be able to understand it. Let’s look at what the Bible tells us about forgiveness.

In 1 John 1:9AMP it says, “If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just [true to His own nature and promises] and will forgive our sins and cleans us continually from all unrighteousness [our wrongdoing, everything not in conformity with His will and purpose]."

This scripture states that if we confess our sins to God and are truly sorry for the wrongs we have done, He is faithful and according to His will and promises He will cleanse us and make us new and in right standing with Him. Another example of this is David’s response in Psalms 51 after he had sinned with Bathsheba and committed all kinds of wrongs. His heart was tender towards God and humble in asking Him to remove the sin and restore him to make him clean again. He took his repentance seriously. This is also not a free pass to sin whenever we want and to expect God to forgive us over and over again for things we know are wrong. That my friends is called “greasy grace" as my Pastor would call it, and it is misusing and abusing the blood that Jesus shed for us.

So, when I came to God and asked Him for forgiveness for yielding to my emotions and having a bad attitude today, He reminded me that He forgives me. But do I allow myself to be forgiven? Am I keeping a record of my wrongs like it says in the love chapter (1Cor 13:5) or holding my own self captive by my past failures and mistakes? Am I allowing Jesus’ blood to wash over me and completely make me new and restore me like He desires to do? It’s so easy to overlook this and be religious about it and say we forgive ourselves but in all actuality, we are beating ourselves up for the things we did years ago and still trying to carry the weight of it into a new year and season. Time and again we pick our sins back up or shove it down and compact it in our nice travel backpack so we can carry it all with us, but that is not the will of God for our lives. This is why we feel so worn out as Christians. We are trying to carry the burdens of the areas where we fall short and mask it as being self-sacrificing or suffering for the cause, when really all Jesus wants us to do is to let it go.

Mathew 11:28 tells us to come to Him who are heavily burdened, and He will give us rest for our souls, and that His burden is light.

Hebrews chapter 10 talks about how Jesus sacrificed Himself for our sins and “there is [absolute] forgiveness and complete cancelation of the penalty of these things, there is no longer any offering [to be made to atone] for sin.”

So, I don’t have to drag my baggage around with me anymore. He died so that we can walk free! Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we feel like we owe it to God to beat ourselves up or try to keep ourselves humble by reminding us that we aren’t worthy? That’s not God’s voice but the voice of our enemy trying to keep us bound by religion and a false gospel without Jesus.

It later says in Hebrews verse 19 that we can have confidence and full freedom to enter the Holy Place, and because of the blood of Jesus, He opened the way for us to come in and be with Him. We can’t save ourselves or earn our place in God’s good graces by constantly reminding ourselves how bad we are, or how we are never going to be good enough for Him to use or accept us. That is self-abuse and self-condemnation at its finest.

Romans 8:1 NASB plainly states “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Only Jesus is good enough to save us. He wants us to walk in the freedom He paid for with his life and to allow ourselves to surrender to His goodness, forgiveness and mercy. I am reminded of the story in John 13:6-9 when Jesus is washing the disciples’ feet and Peter strongly protests Jesus doing this and told the Lord you will never wash my feet! Then Jesus answered him back saying “Unless I wash you, you have no part with Me.”

It really is quite backwards when you think about it. Why do we settle for the bad when God wants only the best for us? His will is for us to forgive and forget just like He does and move on!

In Psalms 103:12 it says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”

Once we accept this gift of forgiveness for ourselves and grasp hold of it the way God intended, only then can we extend the same forgiveness to others in return.

I’m not saying it is going to be easy to walk this out by any means, but God is really good at using moments like these to teach me like he did today and help me realize I am the only one keeping myself bound to my failures and shortcomings. It’s not the enemy or God, but ME!  I can choose to give Him all and walk the path of life that leads to forgiveness, freedom, mercy, grace, unconditional love, etc. or I can choose to walk the path of death and hold onto unforgiveness towards myself, which carries with it the baggage of shame, guilt, self-hatred, anger, self-pity, rejection, bitterness and so on.

So next time I have the thought to beat myself up for something I did wrong, I’ll think twice about it and decide who will get the glory for it? Me or Jesus? Because I certainly have no right going against His Word when he tells us to forgive ourselves so we can move forward and extend that same love to others also (Matt 22:39). We must come into full agreement with Him on this from now on. I don’t want that kind of control to wreak havoc in my life. I want to have a heart yielded to God and His ways. Our obedience blesses Him. All we have to do is receive it!